As participants in the Ecumenical Accompaniment Program in Palestine and Israel (EAPPI) of the World Council of Churches, we attempt to "accompany" (at least in spirit) those who are pursuing nonviolent strategies to secure a just peace for Palestinians and Israelis. In keeping with that purpose, this past Wednesday we listened to two speakers from an organization that describes its work as "bereaved families supporting peace, reconciliation, and tolerance."

The organization began as the Parents Circle, but added the name "Families Forum" as it grew to include not only parents who had lost a child to the conflict, but also family members who had lost a parent, or a brother, or a grandchild, or another member of their family.

Dr. Adel Misk, the current Chairman of the Families Forum, explained why he became involved. "My father was killed almost 11 years ago during the incidents of 1993," he said. "Since then I’ve become a warrior in a different form: for dialogue between both sides, for peace, for reconciliation."

He shared with us his despair after his father was killed. Dr. Misk is a surgeon who has cared for both injured Israelis and Palestinians in hospitals on both sides of the conflict. He has seen many people die, but daily uses his surgical skills to help people survive. Therefore, when he returned home one day after working at the hospital and found his father fatally injured after being shot by an Israeli, he was devastated.

After his initial rage, Dr. Misk said, he was depressed for several months. Then a member of the Families Forum invited him to come and share his loss. The experience of being listened to, and understood, by others who had also experienced the death of a close family member freed him from his despair. Now, he said, he takes every opportunity to talk about the importance of putting a human face on the enemy, in order to move away from violent tactics and blind anger to more constructive activities that are necessary for realizing a just peace.

"Our way is to persevere, in spite of the pain, in spite of the sorrow, in spite of the hatred, in spite of the vengeance, the normal reaction of any human," he told us. "We all say: if anybody who has lost a close family member will go and shout for revenge or will call for the death of someone, this will never bring anyone back."

It has been very difficult, Dr. Misk said. "It took us a lot of time, but we finally came to the conclusion that there must be dialogue between our two peoples. We live so close to one another; we live inside one another so to speak, yet we don’t know each other. Palestinians suffer and Israelis suffer. But who is willing to talk about our suffering?"

Robi Damelin lost her son, David, who was shot as he manned a checkpoint in the West Bank. David, she says, was studying for his Master’s Degree in Education and was active in the Israeli peace movement when he was killed at the age of 28. He had considered refusing to go with his unit into the Occupied Territories. But when called up, he went out of loyalty to the soldiers serving under him, and because he thought he could help them do their duty more humanely.

Immediately after David was killed, Damelin said, she made a major mistake. While she was being interviewed on television, she condemned the head of the religious settlement near where David was shot, blaming him and those who shared his mad vision of a "Greater Israel" for the death of her son. Not surprisingly, he has refused to speak to her or to anyone from Families Forum. Now she regrets allowing her anger to undermine her work in building relationships that respect the suffering of people on all sides of the conflict.

Damelin explained that Palestinians and Israelis have so far avoided recognizing the pain of the other side. The reconciliation process initiated by the Families Forum puts victims who refuse to avenge their loss and choose to reconcile at the forefront of the public debate. It is an effort to humanize both sides, by acting as an example for the Israeli and Palestinian peoples.

In the past decade members of the Families Forum have discovered that their personal stories allow them to reach younger people. So, the organization is sending teams (of one Israeli and one Palestinian member) into Israeli and Palestinian high schools. In 2003-2004 these teams spoke to over 1,400 groups and in doing so talked with more than 40,000 students.

The majority of these young people are between 16 and 18 year old, and for many of them the meeting is their first contact with a bereaved parent or family member from the other side of the divide. Through sharing their own tragic experiences, team members have been able to encourage students to begin the long process of transforming their own feelings of suspicion, fear, and even hatred towards the other side, which are legitimate feelings given the realities of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

The teams do not talk to the young people about politics. The goal of their meeting is to help young people consider more carefully the suffering and causes of the conflict, and to gain some appreciation for the terrible price being paid by both sides.

After hearing a team, one Israeli student said: "We are joining the army very soon, so our awareness and sensitivity toward the Palestinian population are highly important." Another Israeli student wrote in her evaluation: "The meeting changed my opinions. Hearing the story from its source, especially that of the Palestinian side, made me feel that they are people just like us. They also have thoughts and feelings, and they also want peace." After hearing a team, a Palestinian student living in East Jerusalem wrote: "The meeting increased our hope that peace will come. Such meetings contribute to the acceptance of reconciliation."

A second initiative by the Families Forum involves a toll-free telephone service. This allows Palestinians and Israelis to talk to those "on the other side" about reconciliation, tolerance and peace. Over half a million calls have been placed since the project began in October 2002.

The idea for the phone line came from the experience of a young Israeli woman, Natalia Wieseltier. In November 2000, when the Intifada was raging, she tried to call an Israeli friend, but a man answered and said she had the wrong number. "I said who is this, and he called himself Jihad and said he was an Arab living in Gaza," Wieseltier related. Instead of hanging up, Wieseltier asked him how he was. "He said he was very bad, his wife was pregnant, and their town was under a curfew. We ended up talking for about 20 minutes.

"We weren't making apologies to each other. I wasn't trying to make him feel better. We were just talking as individuals. At the end of the conversation he said he was amazed that Jewish people were able to talk like that. He thought we wanted all Palestinians dead."

The following day Jihad found Wieseltier's number on his phone and called her back. "He left a message saying that talking to me had made a real difference in the way he was thinking," she recalled.

Jihad gave Wieseltier's number to his brother, who also called her. Then he gave it to some of his friends. "I was called over and over again," Wieseltier said. "It was like a telephone marathon. I think they all thought there was this weirdo Jew from Tel Aviv who likes talking to Arabs. I started thinking that if we could all talk like that, about the basic everyday stuff, we'd be amazed at how much we had in common."

When Wieseltier started asking her friends to take some of these calls, she discovered that they were reluctant. "They thought they'd get called and threatened," she explained. "We needed a way people could talk anonymously, without giving their phone numbers." Eventually, Wieseltier heard of the Parent's Circle and took the idea to them.

Now that the Families Forum has launched "Hello Peace," many Israelis and Palestinians are discovering how conversations make a difference. Sammy Waed, a Palestinian, never dreamed that he might make friends with an Israeli soldier, especially one who had occupied his hometown of Ramallah. But Samy, who is 20, tried the new hotline, and ended up speaking to Arik, a 23-year-old from Tel Aviv.

"Arik told me how much he hated his army service, because he was in the middle of a civilian population, policing children, and causing harm to innocent people," Waed said. "Before, I thought Israelis didn’t care at all when innocent Palestinians suffer and are killed. But now I know they do care, and I have hope that there can be peace."

Callers to the toll-free number hear a voice message: "Hello, you have reached Hello Shalom, Hello Salaam. If you wish to talk to an Israeli about reconciliation, tolerance, and peace; dial 1. If you wish to talk to a Palestinian about reconciliation, tolerance, and peace; dial 2."

Callers can listen to as many of the hundreds of prerecorded voice messages as they wish, and then decide whether or not they want to contact someone. Callers can remain anonymous, and can call as often as they like. "Hello Peace" advertisements appear on billboards and in newspaper ads in Israel and the Palestinian territories, to make people aware of this opportunity.

"Hello Peace" is making friendships possible between Israelis and Palestinians. Callers telephone each other after terrorist attacks or army actions on the West Bank to be sure a friend is OK. One Palestinian asked an Israeli he’d met through "Hello Peace" to speak with his two children, because he wanted them to know that Jews are not monsters.

During the first week of June 2004, a joint Israeli-Palestinian delegation from the Families Forum traveled to the Palestinian village of Dir El-Hattab to meet with bereaved families there. Robi Damelin took part in this visit, and tells the story this way:

"We arrived at the roadblock and came face to face with the terrible and harsh reality of the day-to-day life of the Palestinians living under cruel occupation. Men, women, children, babies, standing under the blazing sun with no shade or facilities, waiting to hear their fate. Could they come out of the village to go on with their daily business, or could they get back home?

"The young soldiers (it could have been my David, standing there) are forced into a position of having to decide whether the people should be allowed to pass. Imagine, deciding whether or not to let a little baby with hemophilia go through the barrier of human creation to reach the nearest hospital. Saying no, and then finding out that the baby did not survive. I am sure that they would have preferred to be anywhere except this sad and inhumane roadblock.

"Our hosts were standing patiently waiting on the other side, no strangers to the reality of the situation. Finally a young officer said, ‘OK, you can pass through without army protection.’ He then whispered to his colleagues, ‘Check on them from time to time.’

"This beautiful village is ravaged by the consequences of the Occupation, for the people are cut off from their daily living with no way out. The circumstances of their fate were made only too clear by our hosts, after we arrived. The meeting began with an introduction by Khaled, and then everyone told their personal stories. It was so painful to once again realize what the conflict is doing to all of us, and how intertwined and similar, as people, we are.

"For me, the most moving part of this whole surrealistic journey was a statement made by a teacher. He said that whenever he heard an Israeli was killed, he had felt a sense of joy and satisfaction. But now, after looking into our eyes, he saw the people behind these deaths and suddenly felt so sad.

"This statement represents the essence of what we are trying to do. The empathy stirred in the human being on each side is the beginning of the road to a dialogue and reconciliation. I am grateful to be part of this group."

Following the uprooting of hundreds of olive trees by Israeli settlers in the Palestinian village of Issawiya, Ibrahim Khalil, a member of the Families Forum and a resident of Issawiya, recruited some of his Israeli friends in the forum to help his village recover.

After receiving Khalil’s request in early April 2004, the Families Forum raised sufficient funds to enable the villagers to plant 600 new olive trees, which will replace most of those destroyed by the nearby settlers. Because Israelis were not being allowed through the checkpoint at Issawiya, members of the Families Forum who tried to help with the planting of the trees were unable to do so. But the farmers of the village received the trees and were able to plant them.

Twenty Israeli and Palestinian women, all members of the Families Forum, met on the first of August 2004 at the flat of the Forum’s member, Nadwa Sarandah, to launch a new project initiated by the Business Council for Peace (Bpeace). Anne Glauber, founder of Bpeace and a Senior Vice President and Director of Global Issues and Communications of Ruder Finn, was present and launched the project with other Bpeace members.

A rare collaboration of peace and reconciliation is taking place today between Israeli and Palestinian craftswomen. The Jerusalem Candle of Hope, a fragrant hurricane candle with flowers and olive leaves embedded in honey-scented wax, is crafted by Israeli women living near Nazareth. Near Bethlehem a group of Palestinian women come together to hand embroider exquisite muslin gift bags that hold a tea light to illuminate the candle. The result is a beautiful combination of handcrafted work.

Each purchase of a Jerusalem Candle of Hope generates much needed income for these women, many of whom are the sole supporters of their families in very difficult economic conditions. The sale of just two embroidered bags can feed a Palestinian family for a day, and numerous unemployed Israelis have been hired as a result of this project. Purchases to date have provided opportunity and hope for many.

At the launch of this project, in a brief but moving ceremony, each member of the Families Forum, Palestinian and Israeli, said the name of the loved one she had lost and then lit a candle.

After Dr. Misk had to leave our Ecumenical Accompaniment discussion for another appointment, Damelin stayed behind and answered questions. When pressed by EAs working in Palestinian communities to admit that the suffering of the Israelis is not equal to the suffering of the Palestinians, she readily agreed. Damelin was also quick to acknowledge that the work of their organization is no substitute for a just political resolution, which would end the Occupation.

She said that members of the Families Forum are all involved in their own way politically, but in their work together they set that commitment (and their differences about politics) aside in order to lay the groundwork for reconciliation. For without sowing the seeds of reconciliation between Israelis and Palestinians, they believe no political settlement will be sustainable.

"That’s why the Oslo peace process didn’t work," Damelin said. "The negotiations were all about security and political matters, and lacked the personal engagements between Israelis and Palestinians that are also necessary for building trust and understanding."

When asked what Westerners should do to help end the injustice of the Occupation, Damelin replied that greater understanding and appreciation for cultural differences is essential no matter what strategy is pursued. She gave, as an example, the decision by the Presbyterian Church in the United States to selectively divest from some corporations doing business with Israel.

As a former South African, Damelin said, she knew from personal experience that the sanctions used against South Africa worked. "But the same approach will not work against Israel," she told us. "This attack will unite the left and the right in Israel. If Presbyterians and other Westerners had a better understanding of Jewish and Israeli culture, they would have known that."

When challenged, she accepted that the Presbyterian divestment campaign was not a boycott, or the same as sanctions against South Africa, as many Jews have claimed. Moreover, she needed no prompting to agree that the suffering of the Palestinians was so great now that some new initiative was needed. So, she was asked, why not at least try the divestment strategy?

In answering, Damelin did not claim to have a solution for the political conflict, which she described as incredibly complex. She maintained, however, that the divestment strategy, no matter how selective, would be counterproductive. About a month ago she took part in a discussion of divestment at a forum held in the large Fourth Presbyterian Church in Chicago. She knew that Presbyterians were not anti-Semitic, and she was grateful to them for their courage in supporting sanctions against South Africa.

Yet, she felt strongly that Jewish Israelis and most American Jews would see the use of divestment tactics against Israel as anti-Semitic.

"You’ll never win the argument that you’re not anti-Semitic," Damelin cautioned, "and comparisons with ending apartheid in South Africa will only make Jews more resistant and less willing to support negotiations." From her personal experience, she said, "I know that the suffering of the Palestinians is horrific, and in some ways worse than in South Africa." But the analogy, she maintained, is not helpful for seeking a just peace.

"There are six million Israelis," she reminded us, "and three and a half million Palestinians (not counting the million within Israel). Moreover, the government of Israel is not going to step aside, as the white government of South Africa did, no matter what pressure is applied.

"If the Presbyterians want to make a difference," she proposed, "I would encourage them to invest in training programs for young Israeli and Palestinian leaders." She explained that Families Forum now sponsors summer camps for young children, as well as high school students. "Enabling young Palestinians and Israelis to meet and listen to each other is essential for any negotiated peace to succeed. Of course, it’s not the whole solution," Damelin said. "But it’s necessary to achieve a sustainable, just peace in the Middle East."

Bob Traer, 11 March 2005

I am writing as a participant in the Ecumenical Accompaniment Program in Palestine and Israel, which is sponsored by the World Council of Churches. The views expressed above are personal and do not necessarily represent the World Council of Churches. If you wish to publish or disseminate this letter beyond personal friends, please contact the EAPPI Communications Officer (eappi-co@jrol.com) for permission to do so. Thank you.

For more information on the Parents Circle – Families Forum, including many photographs of those participating in their programs, please visit their website at www.theparentscircle.org. Much of the material in this letter from Jerusalem has come from this website.

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